Puberty

The Changes That Are Coming

Whether you have heard the stories from a friend, or you are smack in the middle of them, puberty does come along with a lot of changes for our kids and for us! But these changes have a purpose too. 

We will be talking about bodies that have been assigned male or female sex at birth, but we recognize a wide diversity in human physiology and in gender identity.

All the Emotions

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  • We may joke about “raging hormones” but these are one of the most powerful forces in our bodies. These chemical messengers get carried through the bloodstream to organs and tissues to make them do their jobs the way they’re supposed to. So when one part of the brain releases a hormone that tells all the other hormones that it’s time to get moving, we are off and away on the puberty path, and it is a big deal. For information on all the physical changes, learn more here (link to a source we like?) But puberty changes go beyond body odor and hair in new places.

  • Emotions become big. Your child may be quicker to anger, more sensitive, or just unpredictable. They may feel self-conscious about their changing body, confused about romantic feelings, and unable to control impulsive feelings. This is all normal, but it’s also a lot for kids to manage.

  • The timing of puberty differs, with girls* generally starting puberty between the ages of 10 and 14, and boys* between 12 and 16. For all kids, early puberty is associated with a stronger potential for risky behaviors and experiences later in the teen years, including depression, substance use, and risky sexual behavior. This is especially true for girls. 

    For our nonbinary and transgender youth, puberty in general, whenever it starts, can be a time of confusion as the body develops in a way that does not match the person’s internal identity. This may be an important time to reach out to your pediatrician and to mental health professionals for support. For more information on gender identity and adolescent development, check out the website at amaze.org for youth and adult resources.


Tips on Navigating Puberty

When our kids start “acting like a teenager” we generally mean defiance, moodiness, secrecy, separation from parents, and obsession with what friends think. But these characterizations all miss the parts of “acting like a teenager” that are creative, insightful, driven towards independence and understanding of identity, funny, and deeply feeling. The way that we respond when our children exhibit the first set of characteristics just may help us see through to that second set more easily.

  • Adults sometimes respond to puberty with humor or by making light of their kids’ feelings. Adults may think they are helping, but really it is at the expense of a young person who is already really self-conscious. To a teen, puberty is all encompassing. Validating feelings, even through the wild swings, can help your child feel heard and seen.

  • If we want to help our kids work through BIG emotions in a thoughtful way, we need to ask ourselves how we, as parents, respond when we are sad or angry.  Do we yell and slam doors? Do we pour a drink? Or do we instead go for a walk, call a friend, and let ourselves feel the feelings, recover, and set a new course? We can help our youth identify what tools they have for coping with these feelings, and we can model healthy tools as well. 

  • We aren’t all experts in puberty education. We aren’t all comfortable just talking about it! But you can provide resources to your child so that they can get the information they

    need about what they are going through. There are many excellent books out there written for adolescents that are honest and accurate. 


  • The timing of puberty ranges from person to person, with girls generally starting puberty between the ages of 10 and 14, and boys between 12 and 16. But for both boys and girls, early puberty is associated with a stronger potential for risky behaviors and experiences later in the teen years, including depression, substance use, and risky sexual behavior. This is especially true for girls. For boys there is some evidence that later development may promote certain health behaviors, but in general, the research supports that early pubertal development may increase riskier behaviors.

    For our nonbinary and transgender youth, puberty in general, whenever it starts, can be a time of confusion as the body develops in a way that does not match the person’s internal identity. This may be an important time to reach out to your pediatrician and to mental health professionals for support.

    For more information on gender identity and adolescent development, check out the website at amaze.org for youth and adult resources.


Puberty and Shifting Relationship

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  • Once upon a time, it probably felt like you were the primary person in your kid’s life. In middle school, peers grow in importance. It can seem like we no longer matter, but the research tells us otherwise: parent communication, values, time and engagement continue to be essential in our child’s lives.


  • Often, our kids have had the same friends from when they were young, and as adults, we have known the same group of parents. But in the teen years, especially middle school, friend groups often change. Your kid may be talking about friends you’ve never heard of with parents you have never met. This can feel as if you are suddenly an outsider in your own child’s world. What’s more, although this change in friend network is quite common, it can also cause disruptions in academics, emotions, and social relationships.


  • One of the key tasks of the adolescent years is answering the question: Who Am I? Our children are figuring out who they are and in the process, they are pulling away more from their attachment to us. This is all a part of a normal developmental process that will ultimately help form the independence and self-assurance that we hope for in our children as they grow into adults. But in the meantime, that process can disrupt the parent/child relationship that you’ve previously known, with new levels of conflict and detachment.


Support Kids to be Themselves

Our LGBTQ+ kids experience even more challenges during puberty due to social expectations and norms that directly or indirectly invalidate their identity and experience. A lot of parents don’t know that their kids are LGBTQ+ and so they miss the opportunity to support their kids through a tough time. As a parent of any kid, you can ease that pressure by sending proactive messages of support. That may look like:

Letting your child know that you love them and support them if they do identify as LGBTQ+

  • Using inclusive language like “Is there a special person in your life?” rather than using “special boy” or “special girl”

  •  Educating your child about gender identity and letting them know that you accept whoever they are in this world